


Something Worth Celebrating

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Birthday, Gen, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-14 06:03:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16907484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: Magnus does not like his birthday. And his first birthday without his magic - the first one he's actually OLDER in centuries - leaves him in no mood for celebrating.Not at first. But maybe he can find some things about the life he's living now that are worth a little happiness.





	Something Worth Celebrating

The party is a nice gesture. He knew about it beforehand, but only because when Alec tried to arrange a surprise party and invited Catarina she’d been good enough to warn him that surprising Magnus on his birthday would be a bad idea. She passed it off as a general dislike of surprise parties for which he’s thankful. He doesn’t know if he’s ready to talk about his dislike of his own birthday with Alexander just yet. It’s heavy. It’s a  _ lot _ , especially for an event his boyfriend is so eager to celebrate. He’d rather the day go unmarked entirely, so much so that over the centuries he’s forgotten which day it even falls on. When Alec asked a little while back he gave a noncommittal ‘ _ Early December? Around the 8th I think’ _ , and now here they are. But at least with the warning that people are coming over he’s able to mentally brace himself for a night of people wishing him happiness over a day that brings him nothing but sorrow and regret. 

After his mother’s death, his father made it a point to be certain he was aware that his existence, his very birth, was the cause of the suffering she ended. It’s a guilt he never managed to shake, not even centuries later. And every time he allows himself to care for someone mortal his birthday is always a reminder that, though another year passed for both of them he wasn’t aging alongside them. They were closer to death, closer to the day they would leave him (by choice or otherwise, though he quickly grew to realize it would always be by choice in the end) while he remained the same. 

For years it didn’t change. Magnus would open himself up, fall apart, piece himself together again, and close himself off again. The cycle repeats when enough time passes that he’s foolish enough to forget how much the last time  _ hurt _ , allowing the hope that maybe it would be different this time to wash over the scars of his past. Except it was never different. It was always the same. 

Until now. 

Now he’s mortal. Now he’s  _ aging _ , a phenomenon he forgot entirely in the countless years since he last experienced it. Since the moment he lost his magic, every single day brings him closer to his now inevitable death. Every day he hurts a little more. His hair grays and thins as the weeks draw on. His skin begins to crease. They’re small, minute changes, but he notices them as he looks in the mirror every morning searching for the latest change. 

And his birthday? He never liked it before because it reminded him that so many of those around him would leave him behind one day... but now he isn’t sure he can stand the idea of it actually bringing with it another year gone, another year lost, another year closer to the day it’ll be his turn to leave, once and for all. He thinks of all the days he wasted. He dwells on what he accomplished and what he may still accomplish in the limited time he has left and it doesn’t feel like it can ever be enough. All he feels is the crushing passage of time and the weight of his newfound mortality. He doesn’t want to commemorate a day that marks another moment closer to losing everything he built for centuries. 

But he tries to. When Alec tells him with a proud smile that he’s organizing a small party for his birthday, Magnus smiles in return. Alec is so eager, so pleased with the planning and thought he puts into the event, that Magnus can’t find it in himself to admit to these darker thoughts that taint his thoughts about this day. 

He thinks it’ll be fine. He’ll show up, he’ll smile, he’ll have a few drinks and share in some food and time spent with friends, with people who care about him. It’ll be fine, he convinces himself. 

Until it isn’t. 

The people are here, and there’s music and food and drinks and laughter and love. He can feel it washing over him from every single person there, and he’s drowning in it. He doesn’t deserve their well wishes, or their concern, or their adoration. He’s made too many mistakes lately. He’s useless to them now. Every time he forces a smile or a laugh he sinks into that much more guilt over how he should be enjoying all of his so much more than he is. Just another thing he can no longer do right. 

When it becomes too much he makes his way out onto the balcony, drink in hand, to lean over the railing. The cool December night air fills his lungs, making goosebumps on the exposed skin of his arms and hands and neck. He hardly registers the cold. He just needs to get away from the cheer and smiles and noise for a minute. 

The door opens behind him and he doesn’t have to look to know who followed him. An arm slides around his waist, pulling him close. He feels the warmth of Alec’s body against his back and tries to ignore the instinctive thought that he doesn’t deserve the warmth and comfort it provides him. 

“What’s wrong?” Alec asks. 

“Nothing,” Magnus lies. 

“Is it the party? Cat said you didn’t like surprises, but... “ 

“No, the party is lovely, Alexander. Thank you. I just needed a minute to breathe.” 

Alec considers this for a moment. “Should I send everyone home? It’s getting late, no one would mind…” 

“No. No, I’m fine, really.” But he knows that his voice lacks conviction.

“Talk to me, Magnus.” 

“I hate my birthday,” he blurts out. He doesn’t mean to let it slip - goddamn wine, and his recently limited alcohol tolerance that he’s still adjusting to. “I always have. I haven’t even acknowledged it in decades. And now… god, now I’m actually  _ older. _ ” 

“That is the whole point of them,” Alec points out, trying to figure out where all of this is coming from all of a sudden. 

“Yes, for regular people. For  _ mortals _ . But not for me. I haven’t aged in centuries. Now I have to dye my hair to hide gray roots and actually use  _ wrinkle cream _ . I just… I don’t know if I can celebrate something that’s only reminding me that I’m this much closer to death now.” 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think…” Alec starts, trailing off. “Birthdays are always special for us, because we never know if we’re going to get another. Every mission is a risk. Every day is a chance that something might go wrong on the field. So to make it through another year... “ he frowns. “I didn’t think about it any other way. I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be,” Magnus says quickly. “You don’t need to apologize. I like your way of looking at it a lot better.” He gives Alec a small smile, pulling him into a kiss that tastes of the bitterness of Alec’s beer against the fruity notes of the wine lingering on his own lips. “Sorry if I’m dragging the mood down. I know how much effort you put into all of this.”

“Hey, this is  _ your _ day. You should’ve told me if this wasn’t what you wanted.” 

“But it is,” Magnus is quick to correct. “Okay, maybe not the party, but - everything you put into it? Inviting all of my friends, having my favorite food and drinks, taking the time to put this all together when you already have so much on your plate? That’s all I could ever ask for. To have someone thoughtful and caring enough to celebrate my existence… that makes the rest of it worth it. Getting to have you in my life is all I’ve ever wanted. It’s all I could hope to ask for. Thank you, Alexander.” 

Alec blushes, ducking his head down to look at his shoes. “You’re welcome.” He looks back up. “You know it isn’t just me though, right? Everyone in there cares about you, too. It’s why we’re all here.” 

Magnus eyes Cat, and Raphael, and Luke. Jace and Simon and Isabelle… even Maryse is here, though he wonders if that isn’t at least in part for Luke’s more than him. There are a few more Shadowhunters and Downworlders alike; people who are a part of his life for better or worse it would seem. “I do.” And he does. It just took stepping away from it all for a moment to look in and see it a little clearer. Maybe if he could see himself as Alec sees him - in those ways that invite soft smiles and twinkling hazel eyes that crinkle in the corners - it’d be easier for him to remember more often. 

They stand in silence for a moment, taking in the city lights around them. The sounds of the city echo in front of them against the muted muffle of music and talking and laughter from the party behind them. For a moment it’s just them, and Magnus feels a sense of peace settle over his former anxiousness that only Alec can bring him these days. 

“Shall we go back to the party?” Magnus asks finally, turning to offer Alec his hand. He feels better after talking about it. So much of his distress came from the hiding, from feeling as if he had to put on such a flawless mask that Alec would never be able to guess the thoughts that troubled him beneath its surface. But admitting some of them eased a bit of that burden, and he thinks he can try to see Alec’s side of birthdays for the rest of the night. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Positive.” Magnus give’s Alec’s hand a squeeze, leaning in to place a kiss on his forehead. “I wasn’t exactly giving it a fair chance earlier. I’ve had my reservations about my birthday in the past, but...” He turns his attention back to the people inside - the people who are slowly growing to feel more like family by the day. “I didn’t have this before. I didn’t have you.”

Magnus smiles. “I think maybe I can start to find some things worth celebrating.” 

**Author's Note:**

> (If you just can't get enough of angsty Magnus Birthday focus fics, definitely check out [Nin's wonderful fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16907997) because we both had the same concept for this day she she wrote a beautiful piece on it, too!)
> 
> (Find me on [Tumblr! ](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com))


End file.
